Roller Rink Affliction

This entry was written on Nov 16, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

My three year-old daughter went roller skating yesterday and came home with a black eye. My ex-wife had the girls for the weekend and she took them to a birthday party. At first, I began sailing questions threw the phone with feverish rapidity. What do you mean a black eye? Didn’t the roller rink have helmets? Why didn’t you have them lock her skates? Were you watching her? I ceased my inquisition after seven or so second guessing questions. After my ex responded there was little I would’ve done differently. Although I appreciated the quick phone call and solemn camera-phone picture displaying the shiner, I couldn’t help but feel that I could’ve done something if I was in the rink.

Ah, the ups and downs of raising children. What’s done is done. I’m hoping the next time she fastens four wheels to her feet she’ll be more careful, but I’m not holding my breath.

It´s Your Turn to Get Up!

When your wife/partner is up during the night feeding or changing the new baby, you can lend her physical and emotional support by getting up too. Even if you do it just to give her some adult company during those long dark hours of night when baby is awake, she will appreciate you making the enormous effort to get up. You don’t have to do it every time she is up. In fact, you might agree that you will get up once every second night for a full feed session and you will change/prepare the baby, or you might agree to be up every second time the baby awakes. Whatever you both agree on, it gives your partner a relief from the lonely solo efforts she endures.

Parent Teacher Night

This entry was written on Oct 15, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

I went to my first parent/teacher conference last night. The meeting was brief, but very much needed. Seeing my child’s classroom for the first time and sitting at her desk brought a soothing feeling over me. I felt relaxed and at the same time happy. She’s progressing nicely and the teacher is pleased with her behavior and aptitude. I’m very proud of her. Although, the night was uneventful there was one thing that caused some distress in the midst of my exuberance. On her desk was a paper glued to a large collage of shredded construction paper, and at the top was my daughter’s picture with her name below. The art project was a first grade rendering of a “my name is” and the “tell us about yourself” question you get at business functions or team building meetings. It’s cute.

In the middle of this project was a paper asking the children to write why they are responsible people. I thought it was a good as any question to ask a six year old, I read my child’s response.
She wrote three sentences, “I clean the litter box. I don’t bother my Daddy. I take my cat for a walk.” At first, the only sentence that caught my attention was the, “I don’t bother my daddy” one. I was taken aback by the comment. Actually, I was floored by the sentence. Am I really saying, “Don’t bother daddy,” so much, that my six year-old wrote about it at school? My mind raced as I was attempting to recall all of our conversations over the last year, and in the end, I concluded she was correct.
Children talk or write about what they hear repeated. It’s that simple.
I must say those words repeatedly to my children. Working at home has its advantages and drawbacks. I can confess one of the drawbacks is dealing with my children constantly seeking my attention while I’m working or studying. Like every parenting conundrum, spending time with the children and accomplishing an at-home work itinerary is no easy balancing act.
I’m going to have to rethink my strategy and come up with a new plan.
At this point though, I’m stumped.
Have a great day and God Bless.

Mom and Dad Time

Make sure that you set some time aside a couple of times each week to spend (child-free) with your wife/partner. When your baby is asleep is best. Make it your time to sit and chat or do whatever you used to do before baby came along. Stick to this as often as you can, despite tiredness or being busy. If baby wakes up or you really can’t keep the time available, plan for another definite time as soon as you can. Ensure that you maintain a one on one relationship with your partner.

Maintaining Balance in your Life

This entry was written on Sep 20, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

I once knew an overweight, stressed, separated, father of two little girls and he was a mess. He would work no less than fifty hours and up to seventy hours per week. He would visit the bar or clubs during all his free nights and sometimes during the week when he didn’t have his children. He would ponder and obsess over the past choices he made in his life; wondering how he got in the place he was in at the time.

This man was me.
I was in a bad place for some time and when I began to create balance in my life everything fell into place for me. I cut back on my working hours, gave up drinking and realized everything that happened in my life was an absolutely must to prepare me for the challenges that occurred and lied ahead of me.
Balance is a simple concept and many of us foul it up. We look at balance as a way to relax; balance means to create room for the upmost important people and practices in our lives. Balance isn’t relaxation; it’s prioritizing your life. Re-examine your life and notice if the hours spent with your children, spouse and family is less than the time you spend with yourself, work or your daily commute. If it is than changes need to be made. You may be off-balance and creating unwanted tension in your life. Have a great day and God Bless.

Caring for Baby

Most mothers will consider the father’s method of looking after baby to be sub-standard: Care for your baby anyway. Gatekeeping is extremely common with newborns. Fathers must know about mother’s tendency to gatekeep and overcome this difficulty.
Selective hearing is a good skill to develop: This does not mean you should not listen to your wife. It does mean, you have every right to disagree.

Football and Raising Children

This entry was written on Sep 06, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

I love to watch football. College, Professional football and most likely fantasy football are on most males minds from ages sixteen to fifty-five in the United States, starting three weeks ago. Well, the college football season kicked off yesterday and the Professionals start this Thursday night. These days most families will lose their Dads on Saturdays and Sundays and most likely on Monday nights – Thursday night happens later in the season. What are we, as responsible Dads, going to do about the lost time with our children? What lost time? My kids get in on the fun.

Go out and buy your kid a jersey and have them start cheering for your favorite teams. It’s really that easy. Kids love excitement and expressing themselves – maybe even as much as Dads do? Get them involved and they won’t feel left out of the festivities.
Their attention span really won’t last four quarters so try breaking up the game with some kind of activity. Take the opportunity to set up and play some games with the kids. Jump on the PlayStation and play a mock game before kickoff to get the kids anxious and excited. Bring out a board game during halftime, it’s just score and that’s what sports center is for later on that night. Whatever you do to keep the fun going remember to limit the amount, if any, alcohol consumption around the kids and be responsible. Have a great season, I know I will.
Fly Eagles Fly!

When Do You Become a Dad?

When do you begin to be a new dad? Begin before your child is born. Read what you can to prepare you. Ensure that you and mom agree on the values to be taught to your child. Agree to be consistent in your actions and words to your child.

Knowing when to Draw the Line

This entry was written on Aug 29, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

This past week I drew a chunky line in the sand in regards to my child’s behavior. My three year old daughter was becoming more and more demanding on not cleaning her room. The more I assisted her, the less she would do. Being a single father and school starting soon for my six year old; time is not a luxury I have coming to me in the near future. I tried timeouts, shutting the door and refusing to help, taking away toys and just about everything else – nothing seemed to help consistently. My decision for my toddler’s stubbornness was to not take her on an outing I had planned for them. We went on a full day to the boardwalk, played games, took pictures, had lunch, rode the train and bought candy.

After she wouldn’t help clean up, again, I told her she was going to stay with mom-mom for the day; her sister and I were going to the boardwalk and having fun.
After her tantrum ended, I left with my mom and we left for the day. I called and checked in on her. She was fine and calm. She was upset, but my mother explained to her why she couldn’t go and next time she needs to listen to daddy and behave and then she can go as well.
It’s been two days and the change is eminently obvious – to everyone. She makes less of a mess and I haven’t helped her clean up her room. We’ll see how it goes.

Start a Treasure Box

Before your child is born, start a treasure box to collect wonderful momentos for their life. On the day that your child is born, add a copy of the day’s newspaper(s), a list of top 40 songs, a few notes from yourself about the day and what’s happening in the world. Add to it as your child grows. Put in things like birthday and Christmas cards, first clothes & shoes, etc. This will all become a time capsule that your child can treasure and add to all of their lives and show to their children.

Registering for School

This entry was written on Jun 30, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

If you are a first time parent, registering your child for public school can be an awkward ordeal. Depending on where you live in the country, as well as, whether you are residing in an urban or rural area the experience will be very different. In most urban areas, the only time you can register your child is during specific days set by the school board. Check the paper, usually school enrollment will be in the Sunday paper, for exact dates and times. You'll usually have an early enrollment in May or and a regular enrollment in August. If you live in a urban area try to enroll your child during the early date; that way you'll ensure no complication in getting into the school near your home. There are incidents, usually in urban areas, when a grade will fill up fast; the later you enroll, the higher chance you have of your child going to a different school.

So remember, urban area, earl enrollment.

If you reside in an rural area, usually registering for school can be scheduled with a member of the guidance department in the summer. This depends on the school, but if you lived in a city and move out to the suburbs, be prepared to not see a notice in the paper - be proactive and call the school.

Wherever you reside, the usual documents are pretty standard: proof of residency, proof of immunization, original birth certificate, proof of physical exam, prior school transcripts (if your child was in the first grade or above) and proof of parent. Immunization is very important and the school will not enroll your child if their records are not current; also, schedule a physical before you go to enroll. The rest of the documents are pretty common.

Keep in mind to treat registering the kids as any other move-in task, like turning on the electric or the phone, and you'll make a smooth transition. If you have any comments or concerns please let me know.

Expand their life experiences

Try to give your children as many experiences as you can whilst they are young. If possible, give them more then you got as a child. Things like staying on a farm and feeding the animals, going on a long train trip, going in a plane, may seem very inane to you nowadays, but it is experiences like these - so enormous in a child’s little world - that add to the character and attitiudes of your children.

When is my child ready for Potty Training?

This entry was written on Jun 29, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

Children will let you know when they are ready to be potty trained. Do not expect to wake up one day and decide this will be the day I teach my child to be potty trained. Unfortunately, like most milestones, the child will let you know when they are ready for potty training. Three common signs of readiness will be: the child will not like to wear dirty diapers; you child will take off their diaper or not want to wear one; your child will wake up in the morning and the diaper will be completely dry. Usually, two of three signs will coincide.

If, by chance, your child is not interested in being potty trained; and they are over the age of 2, or close to that age, then try getting some potty videos. There are many on the market to choose from and there are usually many buyer comments associated with DVD’s online. We recommend you do some asking around or searching before investing in one.
When the child is ready, make sure you have a potty already purchased and your child knows what it is – this is where the DVD really helps. Usually the child starts off using the potty a little at a time, so be prepared for overnight accidents. You’ll also want to purchase “pull-up” diapers for when you begin the training – easy on and off equals’ success. Also, set your child up for success by not giving them any liquids, at least, two hours before bed time.
Another point to remember is that children learn by imitation so if you want them to know what to do, and they have not viewed a DVD instructional video then, prepare to let your child use the facilities with you whenever possible.
Tomorrow will be another tip surrounding potty training.

Ensure your home is safe

Make sure your home is safe for your children. Attach child-safe locks on all accessible cupboards except one. Fill this cupboard with things that are safe for the child to play with e.g. old saucepans and other containers are great for young children to explore. Ensure all dangerous items (especially drugs, alcohol, matches, washing powders, etc.) are stored in a high cupboard that is locked.

Pregnancy Advice for new Dads

This entry was written on Jun 16, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

Expecting fathers have many questions from when is the baby arriving? To, are we having a boy or girl? Some friendly pregnancy advice for expecting dads regarding the first question you should ask yourself is:

What do I need to do at this point?

Excellent question; and I like that you are now thinking in references of time. At this point, there isn’t much more you can do that hasn’t already been accomplished. The first trimester is a crucial time for expecting fathers. Crucial, because you are getting comfortable to the idea of being a dad and need to get into the support role; you’ll be there for a while so, get use to it.

What does that mean?

It’s different for every couple. You can support your wife in many ways like scheduling doctor’s appointments, to begin budgeting for the new baby, to purchasing and reading pregnancy books or just being an overall anchor of support. Reassuring your wife of a healthy, risk free pregnancy is the most important form of support in this early stage.

Support your wife, listen to the doctor’s pregnancy advice and you will coast into the second trimester - happy.

Take improving ideas one at a time

With these life tips - or any improvements / changes you try to make - take them one at a time. Don’t try to do everything at once - it, generally, won’t work and you will end up achieving nothing and feeling empty and guilty. Find something that appeals to you and try it. Keep working and focusing on it. Be positive about making it work and don’t give up, especially when you really don’t feel like doing it. After a while (a few weeks), try another one - but keep focusing on your first one as well as your second. If something doesn’t work and you’ve given it an honest and long try - try something else. Don’t feel guilty because you’re not "doing everything right". Give yourself time to adapt and change. Remember, there is no failure here, except for the failure to keep trying.

Inviting a pet into your home

This entry was written on Jun 09, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

Opening your home to a pet brings new and exciting opportunities for the entire family. Not only do you get to enjoy the love and warmth that a pet brings, but also the ability to teach your children what it means to be responsible for someone other than themselves. Choosing a pet will depend on the age and maturity level of your kids. How interactive do you want the pet to be? You can choose from a fish, no interaction, to a dog, constant interaction.

There are many types of pets to choose from reptiles, birds, salt water fish and other exotic animals to the more traditional - cats and dogs. We have a cat.
If you decide on a cat or dog I recommend going to a shelter or rescue mission as these animals are in danger of being euthanized.

There are many fine animals that need a home and are in need of rescue. Opening your heart and home to an animal in need of rescue teaches children a civic and social responsibility. Exposing your kids to being a caretaker is a wonderful and rewarding experience – no matter which pet you choose.

Get Plenty of Rest

Get plenty of rest. As a new dad, you are going to need it. Even if mom is doing most of the night work because you need to go to work during the day, you will still suffer from broken sleep patterns and unexpected changes of plans. You’re going to need your strength for that and also to help mom keep on top of her emotions - she will be exhausted even if you’re not. It can’t be said too often - get plenty of rest!

Be Flexible in Your Schedule

With a new baby on the way, you are going to have to make sacrifices. This means making more free time then you probably currently have. Giving away some of your pleasure pursuits or taking a serious look at reducing your working hours (removing some of that overtime or taking less work home) will be necessary to make space for baby and the chaos that will follow. Allow yourself the time to be flexible in order to catch that odd bit of sleep when you can or to take over the baby chores whilst mom sleeps. If you both decide that you will split baby chores whilst you are home, you certainly want to make sure that you have the time and flexibility to do it. Baby won’t oblige and stop crying just so that you can finish off that report.

Do More Than Your Share

A new baby puts a strain on both of you. However, your body has not undergone the extra strains of actually having the baby. Your wife/partner is going to need extra rest in order to repair and revitalize her own body. Also, if you have been at work all day and she has been with the baby, she may want some emotional rest as well. You can help balance her physical and emotional loads by taking on more of the share of chores then you previously did, as well as baby chores.

Adapt to Your Regular Routine

Try to keep some of your regular things happening after the baby is born. If you and your wife used to go to the movies every Saturday night, you could book a regular baby sitter and keep going. If you wish to take baby with you, go to an afternoon session and find a cinema that has a baby room or crying room in it (some do nowadays). You may need to wait until baby is a couple of months old before re-establishing your routine. If you used to do something that you can’t take the baby to, try using a baby sitter or change to another activity. The important thing is that you are doing something that doesn’t revolve purely around baby.

Help your kids adapt to the new baby before it´s born

With a new baby on the way, your other child / children need to be able to adapt to the necessary changes. Help them handle the changes by making some before the baby is even born. Get the baby’s room set up and do things like setting space aside for the new baby’s toys so that the other kids can get used to these things. It is recommended that you do this between 6 weeks and 3 months before the baby is born, giving your other child / children plenty of time to adapt. In this way, they won’t see the arrival of the new baby into the house as so challenging.

Encourage creativity

When should you start encouraging your children to discover their creativity? What should they focus on? Music? Writing? Art? They learn so much as babies and toddlers. Encourage them as early as possible to explore all areas of creativity. Play songs and sing to them, tell stories - get them to tell some too. Encourage them to draw as well. Give them a mix of creativities and they will find what they love the most.

Find space for yourself

Are you finding that the whole house is turning into the kids playroom? Strive to always keep some space that is yours. Make it a "toy free" zone. Maybe it’s okay for the children to play in that area as long as they don’t leave toys laying around or move your things. Better still, make it an area that they don’t play in. e.g. the study, parent’s retreat or lounge room (if you have a separate rumpus / TV room). You may want to create a comfy corner for yourself with certain books or momentos by your favourite chair.

Show them where you work

To take the mystery out of where daddy goes to for so many hours each day, you may like to show your kids where you work. If you work in an office, arrange for them to come at a time when they will least disturb other staff. However, always be clear on your employers policy on children in the office - some companies don’t allow it at all, so always make sure that you fit within the rules and only take your kids if there is a time that is okay. If mom can bring the kids over for five minutes, this may be a more acceptable method then having them in the office for hours.

Always check public play equipment

Always check public playground equipment before letting your kids play on it. Ensure that the equipment is free of sharp or pointed parts, is not faulty or broken, is free of bird droppings. Also check the ground for sharp objects that people may have dropped, broken glass and dog faeces. Your child will not notice a lot of these things until it is too late.

"Dad" is a Full-Time Occupation

Being a dad is a full time occupation. Don’t just do it part-time. Commit to full responsibility. Think how you would like to be fathered if you were a child again. Would you like to have a father that is often too busy working around the house, or at the office, or locked in his study, or off playing golf? Or, would you rather have a father that is around as often as he can be and is available to you anytime that he is around? Be the father that you would like to have yourself, and you just may get the kids that you want.

Being emotionally close

Should you be emotionally close to your kids? Do you find it difficult to show your emotions to them? Remember that, for your child, you are a window to the world. If you hide emotions in order to be strong or manly, your child is often likely to do the same. Wouldn’t you rather that they feel free to express their feelings? Not in an over-reactive way, but in order to avoid becoming insular (cold) to those that love them.

Plant a Tree!

Plant a tree when your child is born. Plant one for each child. A tree is a symbol of growth, life and future. You can watch your child grow as the tree grows. It might sound weird, but it’s a really nice thing to do.

Kids´ homework

Are you finding that the kids’ homework is too hard for you to help with? A lot of the expectations and knowledge required from schools today is beyond what the parents studied or are used to. However, always remember, it is not your role to do the homework. It is your role to be a sympathetic ear, an encourager or someone to bounce ideas off. You don’t need to understand the exact details to be able to offer support.

Learning to Love Your Child

Don’t expect to love your child as soon as they are born (or even before they are born). Remember, you haven’t even established a relationship with them yet. Whilst you may feel a love towards them as your son or daughter, you don’t know them personally. Sometimes, it can take time before you really feel a close love and relationship with them.

Burping Baby

Become a burping wizard. It’s all in the fingertips. Try a gentle circling motion on the baby’s back. Have a burping cloth ready on your shoulder. Remember, this is not always mom’s job.

Bed time stories

Tell your child bedtime stories. For kids between 3-9 years, bedtime stories are often the highlight of their day. Children who are told or read stories experience an inner sense of peace and security, a feeling that they are loved and cared about.

Be Flexible

With a new baby, be flexible in your time and commitments as much as you can be. For instance, if you run for exercise every night, maybe it’s time to start running first thing in the morning when baby is regularly sleeping and leave your night free for looking after the baby, cooking the dinner, doing other chores, or ensuring that you get to bed early in order to deal with the middle of the night baby activities. Be prepared to have your schedule regularly challenged and changed.

Restrict internet and telephone access

Stop your children having access to unsuitable sites on the internet or telephone services. You can buy internet programs that restrict children’s access to only certain things and avoid any sites that use certain words or phrases. Also, your telephone can be barred from services using certain prefixes. Find out what is available in your area and ensure that you protect your children from what is unsuitable for them.

Keep them busy with you

Are the kids getting in your way whilst you are doing some things around the home? Don’t fight them. They want to be with you and be involved in helping; let them join in. But, not in a dangerous way, like climbing ladders or playing with tools. You can give them "important" but safe jobs that give them a feeling that they are really helping dad to do his work. Perhaps, they could hold the ladder steady, or count the number of cup hooks that you have to put up (and be the special holder of these hooks), they could point out when the picture has been set straight, etc. The most important thing is that they feel involved.

Know where your kids are when you're in the car

When you drive into your driveway always be alert to where your children are. This is especially important if you reverse into your driveway as small children are lower then window height and not easily picked up in your mirrors. The kids will be excited that you’re home from work and may rush up to greet you. Their enthusiasm often blinds them from common sense and safety and they can be in front of / behind the car before you notice. Always drive slowly and keep your concentration alert. Turn your radio off and wind down a window so that you will have a better chance of hearing them even if you can’t see them. Ask your wife / partner to always ensure that the kids are inside before you are due to be home, but keep alert as well.

Establish routines

Even though your life may rarely be routine, your child’s life should be. A regular, consistent routine is important in establishing structure and security for your child. Establish routines for mornings, mealtimes, chores and clean-up, homework and bedtime.

Share your home with your kids

Some people like to keep their home and yards as neat and clean as possible. However, with kids it’s often difficult to maintain neatness. Kids love to tear around yards on bikes or play sports that may damage a few gardens and take a few divits in the lawn. Inside the house can often look like a war zone with toys, clothes, and other bits and pieces strewn about the place. It’s important not to go overboard with trying to maintain a home that looks like a kid-free zone. If you have children, they must be allowed to live with some element of freedom. Whilst this does not extend to damage or defacement, there should be some flexibility in tolerating some mess. With kids, there will always be mess at some stage of the day, even if you enforce cleaning up at the end of the day.

Free entertainment for the kids

You don’t always have to spend money to amuse your kids. You can take them to a local park and kick a ball around, fly a kite or just have fun running around. Go for a picnic and take some books or a guitar. Go for a walk and look at nature or notice the differences in the houses / buildings around you. Think of ways to provide your children with free entertainment.

Urgent vs Important

What should you do when you have urgent work to do and your family want your time as well? Weigh up what’s urgent against what’s important. Is the urgent work important as well as urgent? What would happen if you delayed it for a couple of hours? A day? A week? On the other hand, the family are important, but can they hold off a bit on their request? Children live mostly in the moment, so they want things now and can make urgent demands on you in the moment. Can they be distracted onto something else for a while until you complete some or all of what you are doing? Can you strike a compromise? Look at all the options first before you decide.