My Lesson in Tolerance

This entry was written on Oct 03, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

I believe entirely that we are taught daily lessons. Yesterday I received a lesson and it took me more than a few minutes to realize what it was about. We went grocery shopping last night after I picked up my oldest daughter from school. Everyone who reads this blog knows I’m a vegetarian and my children eat organic food, so, naturally, we went to Whole Foods for our shopping needs. Whenever we go grocery shopping around a meal time we eat at Whole Foods, they have this nice selection of organic and vegan food for us to chomp down during a hectic shopping trip. I ate the General Tso Tofu with vegetable fried rice – it was amazing.

When we sat down, in our booth, there was an older couple sitting and conversing behind us. The booths are all connecting in Whole Foods; and it’s an important fact to remember for the story. My six year old daughter swings her feet, while sitting, when she is happy; and yesterday she had a wonderful day at school and she was excited about her opportunity to go shopping and push around the little children’s cart they have at the grocery store - she’s adorable.
After paying for our food and parking ours carts we settled into the booth for a healthy meal before loading up our carriages. My six-year old sat on the opposite side of the booth and shared her side with the couple behind us. She began swinging her feet and, in turn, bumping her feet up against the wooden base of the booth making a thumping sound ever time her tiny size one shoe brushed against it.
Within fifteen seconds of her playful shoe bumping the fifty-something year-old gentleman behind us turned to my six-year old daughter and abruptly said, “Excuse me, could you please stop hitting the booth with your feet?” She immediately looked at me, somewhat confused and somewhat shocked, I smiled and asked her to please stop. The gentleman then turned to me with an embittered smug look on his face and began surveying our family in seemingly disgust. I smiled, immediately apologized and replied, “She’ll stop.” He nodded curtly and turned around to continue his conversation.
I smiled at my shattered daughter and told her it was alright and that we are in a public place and everyone has a right to be comfortable. After a few seconds of chomping on her honey dew she was smiling and having fun again, oblivious to the people behind us. I, on the hand, pondered what had happened and was a little appalled at a complete older stranger addressing my six-year old daughter in public.
I thought, how dare this man address my child when I’m sitting a foot from her?
On the other hand addressing my daughter is a good thing, we are all individuals and confrontation is a part of growing up as an individual; I can’t be there in her life forever.
I continued to eat and the more I thought about the incident the more excuses for her behavior went through my mind: she wasn’t that loud, she only hit the booth a few times, and she’s just a little girl. Then my Ego chimed in with its comments: how dare he correct her, how dare he correct my child, and who does he think he is, and who wears black socks with sneakers? He was wearing black socks with sneakers though.
Then a soothing calm came over me. I remembered a quote from the bible, “Forgive them for they know not what they do.” This gentleman was just being himself, black socks with sneakers and all, and I was wasting time contemplating why he was being himself – a useless and tireless practice. I put the incident out of my mind.
Coincidentally, as we continued to eat the couples conversation grew louder and louder to a point I almost joined in to offer advice. The level of their conversation was quite disturbing and annoying, but I resisted my ego. We all enjoyed the rest of our Friday night meal, gathered our carts and playfully shopped the night away.
Have a great day and God Bless.

Start your relationships now

Don’t wait until another time in your life to start your relationships with your kids. Start immediately. Your children will grow too quickly to wait for you to fit them in when time and life allow. You must set family as your main priority over work and sport and friends. If you don’t start now, they may not be so responsive one day when it suits you.

Letting Old Habits Fade Away

This entry was written on Sep 27, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

We all have some old habits we’d like just to fade way. Whether these practices are good or bad little effort is needed to break them. All you have to do is concentrate on why you need these dependencies and let them go. An example would be the need to always get the last word in an argument – very annoying habit. This particular tendency followed me around from relationship to relationship for quite some time until a handful of years ago. After my divorce I wanted to make a change and began with the “last word” weakness.

There’s a quote I love from Dale Carnegie,” The only way to win an argument is to avoid one.”
If you always get the last word in an argument, eventually, the only person you will be arguing with is yourself. It’s a success formula for loneliness. The only way to break this habit is to catch yourself before you are about to commit the act. When you feel an argument coming on – you know when it’s going to happen so don’t act like they just pop out of nowhere – try seeing the argument from the other person point of view. Instead becoming argumentative, become agreeable. Listen to their point and be silent - for once – and do not attempt to disprove anyone. This is the part that gets “know-it-alls” in trouble. Give the Ego a night off and be humble. People will like you more.
Also, stay away from drugs that will cripple your efforts; like alcohol, aggressive drugs or any kind of mood changing drugs – avoid all drugs and alcohol. People use the excuses like, “it wasn’t me, it was the alcohol speaking.” Those are famous last words screamed at the back of someone’s head.
Apply these techniques to other habits as well and they’ll be fading away in no time. Have a great day and God Bless.

Don´t have a To Do list

When you’re spending time with your kids, don’t have a "To Do" list. If you’re trying to juggle children and jobs to be done, chances are that the jobs won’t get done, the kids won’t be happy, you’ll end up stressed and your relationship with your children will suffer. When it’s "Kids time", plan to do nothing else. Anything else that you do achieve is a bonus.

A Lesson from a First Grader

This entry was written on Sep 18, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

Lessons are taught every day. I couldn’t say how many, but I’m positive everyone is given at least one lesson a day. It’s truly up to us if we learn it or not. I suggest starting to look for them on a daily basis. Your lesson can be subtle or a bang on the head, like seeing a car get pulled over while you’re speeding as well; to being pulled over and receiving a warning for speeding; to getting a ticket for speeding; to being in an automobile accident. My theory is depending on your negligence or lack of wanting to learn your lesson depends on the severity of the lesson being taught. I’m sure you’ve heard people say, “I don’t understand why my life is so bad, what did I do to deserve this?” or “Why do I keep meeting the biggest jerks in the world?” If we take the time to exam the “why”, our answers are right in front of us – literally. There is a lesson to be learned and we haven’t learned it yet.

If you want to change your life then you have to change yourself first; easier said than done. If you want to stop meeting jerks you have to change your thoughts and inner dialogue first; easier said than done.
People are given the opportunity every day to improve their lives, if we begin to understand we are divine creatures and are meant to be prosperous and happy. Pay attention to your daily lessons. One of my lessons, yesterday, was taught to me by my six year-old daughter. I picked her up from school and when we arrived home I asked to look at her backpack. Each day I sign a communication sheet from her teacher. The sheet allows me to see how she behaved in school. I initial the sheet and place it in her folder to return the next school day. When I opened the pack there was no folder. I asked where it was and she began to cry and told me she forgot it at school.
My reaction could have been to yell at her or just brush it off as no big deal or console her or ignore her and on and on. A parent’s response to any situation differs from parent to parent. My response was to console her. I hugged her and let her know how well she’s been doing and told her to let her teacher know in the morning she left her notebook in her desk. I also went on and said, “You have to remember to bring your notebook home every day. You’re a first grader now and a big girl. The teacher doesn’t check everyone’s backpack each day to ensure you bring your notebook home like in kindergarten. Do you understand?” “Yes,” she replied. “Good girl, now finish your snack.” I always give her a snack after school.
My lesson was in tolerance, just like the day before. Unlike the day before I reacted with love, respect and reassurance in her ability to remember in the future. I’m thinking this lesson will repeat itself until I build up my tolerance and my tolerant reactions become second nature.

Take some time today and attempt to notice your reoccurring lessons. Lessons that repeat in your life and, to your understanding, seem to never go away. You don’t have to ask why this keeps happening to you any longer; you just have to begin to handle the situation differently when it occurs. Try acting the complete opposite, rather than the way you are presently handling the situation. Do this and I’m sure your life will improve for the better. Have a great day and God Bless.

Speaking to children

Speak to your children as you would speak to an adult. Not with adult language, but in a non-condescending, respectful way. Teach your children that you respect them and consider them as equals in inportance. This will build their self esteem and confidence.

A Lesson in Tolerance

This entry was written on Sep 16, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

Yesterday I did something quite uncharacteristic of me. I involved myself in an argument, with a loved one, that got out of hand. I said things that were not needed to be said and honestly should’ve been kept to myself. My actions were shameful and I’m going to apologize to my family member this morning. My lesson was one of tolerance. What does it mean to be tolerant? In this particular instance my family member’s opinion differed from my own and I attempted to make them see their remarks from my point of view. Although, it seems common, my point of view included this person being someone she is not; whenever we decide to attempt to change a person we have to remember that all of us are individuals and are on own path in life. We can’t change people, only people can decide to change on their own; no matter how noble our intentions.

I obviously chose not to heed my own advice and completely blew my opportunity to show tolerance in this situation. I made a mistake; a big mistake.
There is nothing I can do because this incident already happened; therefore exists only in the past. I will apologize, but an apology never erases our mistake - it only attempts to heal a wound. We can only live for the present and my opportunity to show tolerance vanished with my outburst. I pondered for a great deal of time on what happened and my conclusion is that I am not as far along, as I thought, on my quest for enlightenment; I still have a long journey ahead of me. My lesson has shown me to not be silent in situations my opinion differs from others; but to be fair, objective and to have a permissive attitude towards other people’s opinions. I believe I will find myself in less and less conflicts the finer I become at being tolerant. In other words, as I achieve a higher tolerance my conflicts will decrease in number; only then will I have begun to learn my lesson.
Have a great day and God Bless.

Keep balconies clear

Keep away from balcony railings anything that can be climbed on. In fact, keep these things off balconies altogether unless they are too heavy to be moved near a railing. Kids don’t have an in-built sense of danger - especially young ones, and climbing is so much fun for them to do. If you have a table and chairs on your balcony, consider either fixing them down (away from the railing), attaching them to something (away from the railing) or using child-proof locks and gates on all accesses to the balcony. Locking off balconies is recommended regardless of the other safety precautions taken. Children are incredibly adept at finding ways to do things, like climbing over railings.

Being Thankful

This entry was written on Aug 26, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

I wake up each morning and thank god for the life I have and living. I’m thankful for my family, children and my ex-wife. Thankful because she is now in a place where she can see our children on a weekly basis and be herself – not someone else. She is the mother I’ve always wanted to be and I’m she wanted as well. My children are happier and excited when she comes to pick them up every Saturday. It’s a joy and privilege to witness.

Being thankful for your home, surroundings, air we breathe and really everything in your life is a tremendously powerful practice. Practice repeating the words “thank you” each morning as you wake up at your bed side.
I promise it will get you off on the right track and set the mood for your day.

Don´t be the judge

If you are called into an argument between your children, avoid becoming the judge of ’who’s right’ and ’who’s wrong’. Some kids can learn very quickly how to manipulate the system and get their siblings into trouble for what they, themselves may have started. You are better as a conciliator, rather then as an arbitrator. Push more for them to solve their dispute between themselves rather then you solving it. If they won’t. and continue to fight, separate them. If it’s over a toy, sometimes it is better for you to take the toy away from both of them, for the moment, until they can decide between them who will play with it.

My Top Ten Dad Movies

This entry was written on Jun 25, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

I wanted to share my top 10 Dad movies. All of these Dad’s have one thing in common, an undeniable devotion to their children. If you haven’t seen them, please make a point to do so on the next rainy day or for Friday Movie Night – enjoy.

10. National Lampoon’s Vacation Movies
· Does anyone not love Clark W. Griswold? Clark’s determination to experience the perfect vacation is a comedic set-up for continually angst and obstacles. Despite Clark’s failures, he always manages to bring his family together and appreciate what they have – their family.
9. Father of the Bride
· Steve Martin portrays a real cheap-o, but all he really wants is his little girl back. The central theme of this movie is about a father coping with “letting go” of his daughter then a wedding, but it makes for a real funny movie.
8. Mrs. Doubtfire
· A dad dresses up as a woman to be close to his kids. What a great premise.
7. Parenthood
· Another Dad movie starring Steve Martin! This movie is very different dealing with all types of issues that arise in parenting. It’s fun, clever and poetic. Ron Howard directed this film and you see the humanistic quality that he brings to the story from behind the camera.
6. Mr. Mom
· This is definitely the funniest “Dad movie” on the list. Dad loses his job, Mom goes to work and let the laughs begin. In the end, Jack realizes that being a Dad is the most important job he is ever going to fulfill. Mr. Mom sparked an entirely new generation of stay at home fathers – and movies.
5. Finding Nemo
· This is the first of two Disney/Pixar films on the list. The best part of this film is the feeling of comfort I had being at the top of the food chain. Secondly, Marlin’s devotion to his son is so believable you forget you’re watching an animated clown fish; and begin to question the ethics of having a fish tank.
4. Kramer vs. Kramer
· Dustin Hoffman shows that a single dad can definitely make a great full-time single parent. Once again we see the recurring theme that a self obsessed career father can figure out what is really important in life – children. Ted Kramer does a complete 180 degree turn when his ex-wife returns and wants full custody of their son – in the beginning of the movie she just picks up and leaves. Ted not only denies his ex-wife, he fights to keep his son.
3. The Lion King
· The Lion King is a time-less classic. Growing up is never easy, but to be convinced of killing your Dad by your Uncle, only to find out your Uncle planned the murder, and then, you have to fight your Uncle to restore order to your kingdom is just Shakespearian. The heart of the film is the moments between father and son – very touching.
2. The Pursuit of Happiness
· This is the only true story on the list and very heartfelt one as well. Having never been a homeless person with a child, I can only watch in awe of this amazing triumph of human willpower. An amazing story and fantastic portrayal by Will Smith and his son.
1. Life is Beautiful
· This movie has subtitles and, if you do not speak Italian, you’ll have to do some reading. This movie is well worth it though. The onscreen dad, Guido, is a person we all aspire to be; and if you were ever in this terrible situation, you have to ask yourself, could you do what this man did for his son? Impossible to know, but what a touching story and a real tear jerker. Easily, the best Dad movie ever filmed.

Embarrassing children

It’s important for Dads to laugh with children - not AT them. Deliberately embarrassing children with redicule or criticism can destroy their self esteem, and possibly build a resistance between them and you. This is a balancing act. Everyone should learn how to handle criticism and redicule, but it should be taught to your children in measured, positive doses to educate and build rather than destroy.

Teach kids to earn their money

Teach children the importance of earning money. Don’t give it freely without them working for it. Pocket money earnt for tidying up their room (or even just for keeping it tidy each week) is a great way for them to learn the importance of earning.

Reasons are better then

Do you find that you answer your child a lot of the time with just the word "no!"? Does this tend to make them respond favourably and keep a peacful air in the home? Probably not. Often, we become frustrated with stopping our children from doing what they want, to the point where we stop giving them reasons why they can’t do things. "No" is not a good reason to stop doing something. If you asked someone for something and got a "no" answer, wouldn’t you want to know why not? If you give a good reason why your child can’t do something, you may find that they will respond more to you.

Be open in discussions

Do you often find yourself on the defense in discussions with your wife or children? Sometimes we spend so much time trying to defend our position that we totally miss the point that the other person is trying to get across to us. Be prepared to be open in discussions in order to hear what is being said. Criticism can be a valid and useful way to improve your own performance, or can be a veil over other deeper problems that your spouse / child has. Learn to perceive the difference. You can help the most when you can identify the root of the problem instead of just defending your own ego. Remember that pride is good - when it’s in the appropriate circumstances.

Stop bad behaviour

Stop behavior you disapprove of before it goes on long enough to put you in a bad mood. Too often fathers wait until after they have lost their tempers to draw the line.

Don´t put kids down

Don’t belittle children. They may be little but they still deserve respect and proper treatment. Kids often take comments more personally then they let on. You may think that what you are saying is having no effect. However, their external calm or diffidence can be hiding a tornado of emotions, including deep pain.

Don't tell them not to do it

If you constantly tell older kids not to do something, they will probably end up doing it. For instance, if you constantly tell them not to smoke, the focus on smoking and the rebelliousness in the child will most likely cause them to smoke. Worse then this is that they may hide it from you to avoid your disapproval. It is better to allow them to decide - they will anyway, but let them know how you feel, and encourage them not to hide things from you.

Focus your frustrations and anger

If you find you are yelling at or punishing the kids a lot, you may be using them as an outlet for your frustrations and anger. You may be angry at something that someone else has said or done, and it is often very easy to "snap" at the kids. It’s important that they don’t get treated unrealistically as this can affect their self esteem and confidence. If you are frustrated or angry about something, use other methods of release rather then taking it out on the kids. Some methods include chopping firewood or hitting a pillow - find what works for you and is harmless to others.

Being responsible

Always accept full responsibility for your child’s growth and development. Don’t leave it purely to others (teachers, nannies, etc.). You and Mom have ultimate responsibility and accountability. Treat your role with respect.

Leave work at work and home at home

Separate the distractions of work-life and home-life or you will find that you function less effectively in both. IF you find it difficult to switch off work problems, stop up the road for five minutes, or outside a park, and mentally conclude your thoughts of work for the day. Better still, spend the last part of your day at work writing down your current issues and possible solutions; it will be there the next day. You can then deal with the issues at home more refreshed.

Don´t be distracted by the kids when you´re driving

Don’t get into arguments with the kids whilst you are driving the car. The kids can drive you nuts while you’re busy driving them around, but you must avoid the habit of fighting with them and being distracted from the road. Your main role in the car is to get everyone to your destination safely, even if that means allowing more noise then usual. Often, the kids may be mucking up to get your attention. They need to learn that you must concentrate whilst driving and that it is inappropriate to distract you. Either be firm in teaching the to be quiet or learn to block a lot of the noise out.

Be honest

There is an old saying that honesty is the best policy. This is especially true when raising children. If you lie to your children, they’ll know, and you send them the message that it's okay to lie. If you want to maintain respect, both for and from your children, you must avoid lying at all costs. Even "little white lies" should be avoided. There are no degrees of lies: a lie is a lie, no matter how small it is.

Idle threats

Don’t ever make idle threats. If you don’t follow through on a threat to do something (e.g. take away a certain toy for misbehaving), your child learns not to fear the threat. Also, by only following through on some threats, the child gets a confused view on discipline and an inconsistent view of the world. Also, don’t ever threaten what you’re not prepared to do.

Respect your children´s friendships

Don’t put your children’s friends down or trash them in any way. Friends are incredibly important to children as they are often the only people their age that they relate to. They need their friends for play, comfort and support. If you put them down, your children will feel that you are personally attacking them and denying them their right to choose who they want as friends.

Teaching your kids to drive

If you are teaching your child to drive a car, don’t take them straight out onto busy roads. If you have an area nearby that has few / no cars on it, start them on the basics there. This may be something like a new sub-division that has roads laid but no houses built yet, a ring road around a recreation oval, a paddock (that you are allowed to drive on and is safe to do so), or quiet back streets. Leave the busier roads until he / she has gained confidence in driving and stopping especially.

Talk at their level

Interact with kids on the same level. Crouch or bend down and speak to children on their physical level. That way, there is an even communication without the natural dominance created by your height. Your children can learn that they are as important as you.

Giving positive treats

As a treat, don’t give your kids food or toys too often. Treat them instead with positive actions. Treating with food makes certain foods become almost addictive. For example, if you are constantly treating your kids with ice cream every time they are good, they will associate ice cream with being good. It will then become something that they will indulge in when they are older in order to treat themselves. When they can afford to keep buying it themselves, they can continue to "treat" until it actually becomes a problem. This is the same with toys. Treating too often with toys can set up a desire to buy something in order to treat, which can result later on in compulsive spending patterns. The best things in life are free - love, respect, attention, etc. Reinforce the fact that they are the best things by making them a treat as well as a right.

Give them attention when they are good

Give your children more attention when they are good rather then when they are bad. It is easier to ignore the quiet, well behaved times and interact more to your kids when they are being naughty or not doing what they are asked to do. However, this sends to them the message that to get attention, they need to be naughty. Young children must have attention from the important people around them - including you - and they will do anything they can to get that attention. Even bad attention (being told off or yelled at) is better then no attention in their eyes. Give them more attention when they are good and they will be good more often in order to receive more attention.

Combine needs

If you have appointments and don’t know what to do with the kids - try to combine their needs with yours. For example, a visit for you to the dentist can be easily be combined with a check up for your children in the same visit. That way you don’t have to try to fit in when it suits them or try to make alternative arrangements for their care whilst you are out.