Define yourself

This entry was written on Jun 08, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

The next time you feel like you are going to, “lose it”, take a step back and acknowledge that you are having a vulnerable moment. It’s usually during those times of heated chaos when the television is too loud and the kids are arguing and you have a deadline at work and the cat clawed up the ottoman is when you have what most expert call a “defining moment.”

Whatever you say or do at that moment is what you chose to act on. Act wisely.
Do yourself some good, instead of exploding, withdrawal yourself from the situation. Just go in the next room and gather your thoughts for a moment; re-enter the temporary chaos with a clear, focused plan. Diffuse the situation. Turn off the television, put the kids in a time-out, put the cat in the bathroom with the litter box and forget work – you are at home now.
Taking that brief moment to collect yourself can decide whether your family appreciates you being home or wishes you were still at work.

Don´t be afraid to act

As a Dad we can, at times, find it hard to get involved with our children; our biggest enemy is fear of failure. Unfortunately, not getting involved can be more damaging that having a go. ’Distant’ parents can produce ’distant’ children, who have trouble with social contact and expressing emotions. Give it a go and be prepared to slip and stumble along the way. What would you rather have your child say after you’re gone? "I never knew him, I don’t know what he was like" or, "Sometimes we fought, but we were always close".

Look for common interests

Are you finding it hard to be motivated / bothered with your kids? One solution in finding enthusiasm is to find a common interest between you and your kids. An example is where you both love sport, you can both get involved and get enthusiastic together.

Finding time and energy for your kids

Can’t get motivated to spend time with your kids? Cant’ find time or be bothered? Maybe your energy is to low to let you feel bothered. Maybe your life is out of balance. Look for the good in being with your children. Find compelling reasons to put energy into them. Strik a balance between work and play. Don’t live your life with the constant threat of future regrets over your current actions.

Remove some distractions

Are you finding it hard to be motivated / bothered with your kids? Your life is probably pretty busy with the things that you feel you have to do, to allow time to spend with them. However, spending time with your kids is also a "have to". Therefore, you need to remove some of the distractions. For example, pay someone else to mow your lawns and spend that time to play with your kids. If this is unaffordable to you, get the kids involved in raking leaves or other safer pursuits so that you can finish the job more quickly and have time for them.

Take it one step at a time

Are you finding it hard to be motivated / bothered with your kids? Whatever you choose to do about improving your relationship with your kids and your motivation, take it one step at a time. Don’t try to introduce too many changes to your actions or too many rules for yourself at one time. Otherwise you are setting yourself up to fail. You can only deal with small amounts of permanent change at a time. Any more, and you bound to lose motivation and slip back into comfortable old ways.

Read, read, read

Are you finding it hard to be motivated / bothered with your kids? There are plenty of books, articles and websites offering a vast wealth of information on being a dad. Don’t be afraid to read about it - the books aren’t designed to make you feel bad for your failings. Instead, they often surprise you with how successful fathers stumble through being a parent. Web sites are a great way to get relevant information and offer a community of support for you in your struggles.

Be bothered if you want them to be

Are you finding it hard to be motivated / bothered with your kids? Do you want your kids to be bothered with you when you’re old and they’ve got their own lives? If so, then be bothered now. Otherwise, you may find that they won’t bother to be around when you decide you have finally got time for them.

Set yourself some ground rules

Are you finding it hard to be motivated / bothered with your kids? Set yourself some ground rules in order to make time and effort to spend with them. For example, don’t turn on the TV until after you have spent at least half an hour playing with your kids. At first this may seem like being with the kids is a chore. Sometimes you’ve got to push hard at first to get the ball rolling. Once you’ve started spending regular time with them, you will find it easier and more enjoyable to continue to do so.

Are you physically or emotionally drained?

Are you finding it hard to be motivated / bothered with your kids? The first step to addressing this is to work out whether your lack of energy is physical or emotional. In other words, are you too physically tired at the end of a day to be bothered playing with kids or are you too mentally / emotionally tired to deal with their enthusiasm, tears, problems, noise, etc. Knowing is the first step to resolving. Once you can identify why you don’t wish to spend time with them, you can then look at alternatives to address this. For example, if you are mentally tired, you may set a rule that you will stop playing with them if they argue or become too noisy - quiet play is fine.

You are an enormous influence

You are an enormous influence on your children’s lives. Don’t blow it. They will pick up a lot of your traits subconsciously. They will live their lives based on the environment they’ve grown up in. They will form a lot of their values and beliefs based on their upbringing and the significant people in their young lives. Remember always that your children are human - like you - and they deserve absolutely the best chance in life.

Be in this moment

Do you find it too difficult to get out of bed to your child’s crying in the middle of the night? Or, if you do get up, are you impatient or frustrated in your attempts to settle your child? Learn to live in the moment at that moment. Forget about having to get up for work the next morning, or how little sleep you have had. Focus on the moment you are living in and dedicate that moment to the care of your child. Be involved in the issue that is current at that moment and show patience and compassion to your child - they need you in that moment. Be there for them.

Avoid too much alcohol when you´re in charge

If, at any time, you are looking after your kids, avoid drinking alcohol. When an emergency arises and your child needs to be rushed to a doctor or hospital, or just needs your immediate attention, you need to be clear-headed, focused and able to act appropriately. Remember, you have a responsiblity to ensure that your children are well cared for when you are in charge; think what the consequences may be if you couldn’t respond adequately in an emergency.

Get some friendly help

If, as a Dad, we find it hard to relate to our children, involve a friend or relative that is prepared to support you and help you (as a coach or mentor). They can support you into taking more interest and time with your kids, reward you for effort, and make you accountable for setting some rules and goals for your relationship with your kids. With support, success is much easier to obtain - you don’t need to rely solely on your own discipline and motivation.