Counting on a Long shot

This entry was written on Aug 11, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

I’ve always been a sucker for long shots. I still root for the underdog in sporting contests. There’s something about a long shot that gives you an exhilarating feeling of joy when they come through. I consider myself a long shot. When it comes to giving people second, third and fourth chances – I just can’t help myself. I am what I am. My ex-wife has recently moved back to our neck of the country after four months of separation from our children. We all make mistakes, but some are unforgivable. At least, in my eyes they are. Despite the numerous chances and mistakes she’s made over the years I’ve decided to give her another chance.

Bukowski once wrote, “ If you're going to try, go all the way." I intend to do just that.
I’m giving all the rope and gratitude I would if she did nothing wrong at all. People deserve chances; some, as many as it takes. I believe we all get to where we are going to eventually end up in life. I’m betting, and hoping for her to be the best mother in the world. My guess is this long shot will come through and prove everyone wrong.

Agree on which anniversaries to celebrate

You may find that you and your partner think differently about celebrating various anniversaries. Things such as the anniversary of your first date or first kiss may not mean that much to you, but may mean a great deal to your partner. You can respect their desires and agree to celebrate these things, but maybe in a lesser way then other anniversaries. Perhaps a card or flowers will be acceptable. Perhaps, even just an extra ’phone call during the day, or simply saying "happy First Date day" when you wake up in the morning is enough. Often, it’s the recognition of the importance of the date rather then giving a gift for it that will make all the difference. Also, if you do give a gift for any anniversary, try to vary the gift from year to year to avoid becoming stale in the celebration.

Loving your Children’s Mother during a Divorce

This entry was written on Jul 22, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

Celebrating when your child arrived in this world occurs every year on the same day. When that comes remember who brought your child into this world as well. Nearly 45% of all marriages in the United States end in divorce; it’s not very uncommon to be a divorcee in a co-parenting situation in our modern era. When seeing your ex-wife bear in mind she is the person that reared your children and therefore you are indebted to her.
You don’t have to fawn over her; show her the respect she deserves.
After all, you don’t want your children thinking their dad treats women badly? We understand you are divorcing for a reason and there will be moments you are uncomfortable facing, but don’t let your children experiences your pain, suffering or anger. Keep your emotions calm and your words polite. If she provokes you in anyway just smile and be on your way.

Share the house? Share the work

If you share a house, you should share the housework. Don’t leave it all up to your partner to do. Even if you work all day and your partner is home all day, she will have been well occupied with the children and some of the home duties. Just because you walk in at the end of the day or week and put your feet up doesn’t mean all of the house work is done. If you have trouble with who does what, sit down together at a time when neither of you is feeling grouchy and split the chores up. You don’t have to take 50% each - the split should depend on your day time activities as well. But, ensure that you both contribute to the home duties.

Remove the Anger

How is your relationship with your ex-wife? Chances are, with kids involved, your paths still cross often. If you are still arguing with her or maintaining a disagreeable stance, you are doing yourself harm and also doing your kids harm. You’re hurting yourself by maintaining the pain that you felt over the breakup. It’s time to move on and put that behind you in order to enjoy the rest of your life. More importantly, you’re hurting your kids because the two most important people in their lives are in conflict. If you can establish and maintain a more pleasant contact (you don’t have to like her, just remove the anger against her), it may feel odd or difficult, but in the long run, everyone wins.

Chivalry is not dead

Do not confuse the age of equality with the end of the age of chivalry. Being courteous and thoughtful is still an important value to behold. Holding doors open, helping to carry heavy loads, offering your spouse the last piece of pie are all ways to show that you care. It costs very little to give. It can cost a great deal more if you never give.

Two phrases

When dealing with a hostile ex wife two phrases will iron out many problems. "You may be right" and "How dare you!" Use "You may be right" often.This statement has no meaning other than "I heard you."
When her statments cross the line into abuse use "How dare you!" DO NOT ADD ANY OTHER WORDS! The point is to head off confrontation: Do not cause more. If the situation gets ugly, leave, take the kids if possible and go somewhere else.

Don´t blame the marriage

If you and and your wife are not getting on well, don’t blame the marriage. The marriage is not a tangible thing. It is the combined efforts of you and your spouse. When the "marriage fails", what has changed is the efforts that are being put in by one or both of you. Marriage is a two-way street and it takes consistent effort from both parties to make it work.

Don´t fight in front of the kids

Don’t fight in front of the kids. If you and your partner have a disagreement that you don’t feel can be easily resolved, agree to discuss it at another time when the kids are not around. Show them how the two of you can resolve problems by working together rather then just arguing unproductively.

Teaching about relationships

Maintain your relationship with mom. Teach your children through action how a loving relationship is. Remember that your children’s view of the whole world is what they see every day.