Being a Stepdad

This entry was written on Jun 01, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

My father is also my stepdad. I have a unique perspective on this relationship – the one from a child’s point of view. The best tip I can offer is to look at this new situation as a permanent relationship; one that will take a lifetime to cultivate. Accept the terms and then walk down the path together, as a family. Everything doesn’t need to click right away. Someone once told me that, “life is a journey, not a destination.”

I found that in relationships those words have helped me more times than I can remember.
The old cliché, “I am not your father and I never will be him” is not a phrase I would recommend. Instead, try relating to this new person in your life. Try to put them at ease and let them know you are not going anywhere. Children need consistency - they crave it. Just the fact you are someone new in their life is scary enough; try seeing the situation from the childs' point of view, not only is your mom marrying someone else, this new person is now going to be part of our family. Depending on how long the child’s parent’s separation has been and how comfortable the child is with the situation effects your relationship as well.
Before taking the final step, speak with your new stepchildren and invite them into your life permanently.
That way everyone embarks on the new journey together.

Gradual Changes

Gradually introduce new changes to your new home environment. You and your partner should agree on what will change with your new family. This will require a big adjustment to be made by the children. If you rush in with foreign furniture, bits and pieces, new rules, new routines and, of course, you (as the new dad), you threaten the childrens’ comfort and security. Do it one step at a time and let the kids get used to the new ways a bit at a time.

Share Interests

Go out of your way to develop shared interests with your step-children. Whether cooking, music or sports, common interests can go along way in creating a bond and trust between you and your step-children.

Introduce Your Past

To help them to get to know you, tell your step-children about your past. Show photos of you growing up and of your accomplishments. Show them awards you may have won or diplomas/degrees you’ve earned. Maybe, take them and show them where you grew up. Let them know the whole you - they probably haven’t seen too much so far and don’t really have a complete picture of you. However, you may wish to keep your skeletons in the closet - you don’t want to scare them as they may be wary of you at first until they are comfortable.

Everyone Needs Their Space

How do you relate to a step-child that doesn’t accept you? Give them space, time and love. Don’t expect them to respond favourably to you immediately. They need time to find where they fit into your life and vice versa. They also need to work out where their real father now fits in to their picture of the world. Talk to them and encourage them to accept you. You don’t have pretend to be their real father to be their real dad.

Discover Likes and Dislikes

To start to interact with your step-child, find out what they like and dislike, what they enjoy doing, what upsets them, what thrills them. Ask them or their mom for this information. With it, you can start to understand where you can fit in with your step-child. You can involve yourself in their pursuits or interests and start to establish a relationship early. But, don’t overdo it. There is a teething time for each of you to get used to the other. You don’t want to make each other feel uncomfortable.