Do I take the kids?

An Open Letter to Abused Dads

To: Abused Dads: I'd like to echo the words of Dr. Laura and Dear Abby:
"How dare you leave your babies with an abuser!"

The problem of battered men fleeing their abusive wives and leaving the children with her disgusts me. Abusers, regardless of gender are not fit to be single parents.

I know full well that men are terrified of the problems involved in acquiring custody: They have every right to be. The Family Law systems are filled with bias against fathers. However, that still does not in any way excuse a battered man leaving without the kids.

I know that our society proudly refuses to help battered men. I would go so far as to say that the current victim's support system seeks to cause harm to battered men. That leaves a man with children in a terrible position. Take the children anyway. Your children are far more important than the inconveniences the feminists so proudly throw our way.

Your children need you healthy and sane. Children need both parents. By fleeing with the children you, the sane one, maintain sufficient control to ensure that they have both parents. Children need to see the abusive parent too: However, this must be done in a carefully controlled manner.

As an advocate, I've been involved in many divorces over the years.
Here's a few things I've learned:

1. A single parent home is better than the whirlwind of an abusive home.
2. A single dad home is as good as a single mom home and in many cases better.
3. Kids will do well if they are loved and listened to.
4. Single dads get more support than the press ever mention. Don't let press bigotry fool you. There are a lot of men raising kids without a mom around and making a very good job of it. The best estimates available right now put the number of single dad homes at about 10% of all homes with children or about one third of single parent homes.
5. Dads win custody cases.
6. The courts are biased against dads: But only biased! The courts are not stupid. The courts really believe in the best interests of the child. That may be hard to define, but it is their goal. The courts look with added favor on the person who does the caretaking in the family: "Who takes the kids to the dentist?" "Who makes the doctor's appointment?" "Who plans the birthday party? Who executes it?" The idea is: Who is doing the day to day work to see to the welfare of the children?

Please, before you leave: Think of the children.

If you have left:

1. Get yourself some help from one of the few groups that do help battered men.
2. Interview potential counselors before paying a fee. Too many in the counseling profession are man haters of the most nasty sort. Ask questions before paying.
3. Get involved with those working to achieve fairness and justice in parenting matters. Everyone's opinion counts. Every child needs BOTH parents.
4. Hold her responsible for her actions. We men too often forget this. Women MUST be liable for their actions in the same way as men have been held liable for ours.
5. Ensure that she fulfills her part of the bargain. Don't let her win.
6. Talk to your kids! Tell them you love them. Listen to them. Do everything in your power to be a good father.
7. If you cannot see your kids: Write to them several times a week and keep a copy of what you write. Later in life those children will try to contact you. Those copies will form the basis of a new adult relationship.

Dad Frequently Asked Questions

What is the role of father?

How should I discipline my kids?

How do I show my kids how to behave?

How should I treat bad behaviour?

How can I be motivated / bothered with my kids?

How do I keep my children entertained?

My ex is hostile. How do I handle her anger?

Is kidsī chatter important?

How do I stop abusing?

What hints do I give about gifts for me?

When should I punish my child?

Should I punish my child for bad behaviour?

How do I let my child know I care about them?

How do I get out of bad moods with my kids?

How do I look after my own health?

Is it okay to tease the kids?

Can kids have too much stuff?

Should I tell my family that I love them?

How do I learn to love my children?

Should I spank my child?

Should I avoid embarrassing my children?

What is a good gift for my wife?

How do I teach my kids to be responsible

Should I treat my handicapped child in any special way?

How do I keep from losing my temper?

How do I stop abusing?

Should I punish my shild when they hurt themselves being silly?

How can I develop a bond between myself and my step-children?

Whatīs a good present to buy?

Do I take the kids?

What is fast home food for my children?

What is a quick meal I can fix with my children?

How do I help my children get through my divorce?

Why am I so angry at the kids?

How do I settle an unhappy child?

How can I get my child to sleep at night?

Can I treat my kids at other times then their birthdays?

Does it matter if I drink when Iīm looking after my kids?

How do I reduce my stress and not take it out on my family?

How do I build my childīs self esteem?

How important is it to play ball with my kids?

How good are home made toys?

What can I do as a symbol of my childīs birth?

How much child support should I pay?

How much time do I need with a new baby?

How can I show my children that I care for them?

How can I teach my children NOT to lie?

Whatīs a good gift idea for young kids?

How can I avoid spoiling my kids?

How do I influence my kids to avoid bad habits?

What toys are good?

Am I failing as a dad?

How can I avoid taking my work problems home with me?

How can I keep from īstressing-outī in my homelife?

How do I cope with too much work?

How do I improve my relationship with my kids?

How can I be bothered with my kids?

What is a good gift for my daughter?

What should I expect of my children?

How de we maintain our lifestyle after baby is born?

Am I too strict with my kids?

How do I handle the kids being too noisy?

How do I relate more with my young kids?

What do I do with the kids when I have an appointment?

Should I just be masculine to my children?

How do I fit into my step-childrenīs lives?

How do I settle my kidsī arguments?

Should the kids know about our disagreements?

How do my relationships affect my kids?

Does it matter if I donīt get in with my ex?

How long do I have to challenge paternity?

What if my marriage isnīt working?

How do I teach my kids not to make mistakes?

What do I do if my son ignores me?

Who is a good Australian speaker on parenting?

Why donīt my kids respect me?

What can I do as a lasting gift for my children?

Should I do housework?

Where can I learn about how to raise good boys?

What should I plan for visitation days?

Where can I contact a Candian Fatherīs group?

Why is my wife critical of my childrearing?

How can I improve my driving skills?

What is a good gift for dad or mom?

SHould I still open doors for my wife?

Can you recommend a Sydney newspaper for parents?

Is it okay to fight with the kids in the car?

How do I deal with my childīs bad behaviour?

What is a good gift for my wife?

Why do my kids like such trivial things?

How do I fit into my step-childrenīs lives?

Where can I contact a British Fatherīs group?

My child is gay. What did I do wrong?

What about weekends when she gets the kids?

Should I spank/smack my child?

What do I do when baby mucks up my schedule?

What is some cheap entertainment for the kids?

What is a good gift for my mom?

When do I start being a new dad?

Is "no" a good enough reason?

Whatīs the best way to teach my kids how to drive?

How do talk with my child?

How can I be a better father?

How can I get my kids eating healthy when Iīm in a big hurry?

What is a good gift for my son?

How do I shop when I have to look after the kids?

How do I shop when I have to look after the kids?

Is it okay to ask for help?

How do I stop my kids from being afraid of me?

What is a good gift for my son?

How do I burp baby?

Is it okay to buy my wife novelty gifts?

What is good reading for my kids?

How much of the world should I show my kids?

How do I keep my kids away from drugs or crime?

What do I do if the kids are sick in the car?

Do I have to celebrate every anniversary?

How much attention do I give to my child when theyīre sick?

How do I help my kids buy gifts?

How much allowance should I give my child?

How can I get my picky eater to eat?

Where can I contact an American fatherīs rights group?

Should I help with my kids homework?

Should I get up during the night to help with the new baby?

Whatīs a good treat for kids?

How do I child-proof my balcony

Can the kids play in the garage / garden shed?

As a single parent, how do I find support?

How do I find the strength to get up to my child in the night?

How do I find the strength to get up to my child in the night?

Is the wrapping of a present important?

Should I automatically love my child as soon as they are born?

What do we do when the kids are bored?

Is bed time reading important?

Can you recommend a good book for fathers?

How can I make a swing?

How safe are kids furniture, carseats, etc.?

How do my kids learn to adapt to the new baby?

Is it safe to let my kids play on public play equipment?

Should I charge my child interest when I lend?

How can I find out how my son is doing in school?

Is it that important to make time to spend with the family?

Should I push my child to do the things I always wanted to do?

What can I do to better understand my daughter?

How much child support should I ask for?

Does it matter if my kids meet my friends?

Should I take over my partnerīs workload to help her?

How can I restrict my childsī access on the internet / telephone?

Should I show my kids where I work?

Will being a new dad be draining?

How do I fit in taking the kids to school every day?

How do I do everything that you recommend?

Is it good to only buy mass- marketed toys?

How soon should I start reading to my kids?

Is it important to establish routine?

How do I deal with my childīs disability?

Should I encourage my child to be creative?

How do I find time for my family with urgent work to be done?

How do I kid-safe my house?

Should I buy my wife a new iron?

How do I deal with feeling restricted?

What do I do if Iīm bored with my life?

Whatīs a good toy for the kids?

Should I know first aid?

How do I stop my kids picking up bad habits?

How do I judge what my child will like?

How can I get to see my kids?

What do I need for first aid?

Should I buy electronic toys?

How do I get to work on time when the kids are bugging me?

Is winning the most important thing in sport?

How should I treat my childīs friends?

How do I keep the house tidy with my kids around?

How do I get my kids to look after their things?

What do I do - my child has too many toys?

How should I react to my childīs poor behaviour?

How do I build my childīs self esteem?

How do I deal with othersī illnesses?

How do I keep the kids away when Iīm working around the house?

How do I avoid last minute shopping for presents for my wife?

Can alarm sirens injure babyīs hearing?

How much time should I give to my family?

How will my near perfect child grow up?

How do I handle my problem child?

Should I push my child to excel in sports?

How do I keep the kids away from the car when I come home?

How do I measure success?

How seriously should I play with my kids?

How do I stop my kids from fighting each other?

How do I find space for myself?

Should I help my kids with their homework?

How do I get my child to sleep?

How do I relax with a family commitment?

Should we practice fire drills?

Should I try to stop my children from growing up?

What can I do to keep my college student from over borrowing on credit

How do I know what sports my child likes to play?

How do I tell what my child thinks of themselves?

How do I deal with over-energetic kids?

Should I respect my kidsī requests?

Is it ok to bad mouth my ex in front of our child?

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John Valadez