Abuse Tips

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Do I take the kids?

An Open Letter to Abused Dads

To: Abused Dads: I'd like to echo the words of Dr. Laura and Dear Abby:
"How dare you leave your babies with an abuser!"

The problem of battered men fleeing their abusive wives and leaving the children with her disgusts me. Abusers, regardless of gender are not fit to be single parents.

I know full well that men are terrified of the problems involved in acquiring custody: They have every right to be. The Family Law systems are filled with bias against fathers. However, that still does not in any way excuse a battered man leaving without the kids.

I know that our society proudly refuses to help battered men. I would go so far as to say that the current victim's support system seeks to cause harm to battered men. That leaves a man with children in a terrible position. Take the children anyway. Your children are far more important than the inconveniences the feminists so proudly throw our way.

Your children need you healthy and sane. Children need both parents. By fleeing with the children you, the sane one, maintain sufficient control to ensure that they have both parents. Children need to see the abusive parent too: However, this must be done in a carefully controlled manner.

As an advocate, I've been involved in many divorces over the years.
Here's a few things I've learned:

1. A single parent home is better than the whirlwind of an abusive home.
2. A single dad home is as good as a single mom home and in many cases better.
3. Kids will do well if they are loved and listened to.
4. Single dads get more support than the press ever mention. Don't let press bigotry fool you. There are a lot of men raising kids without a mom around and making a very good job of it. The best estimates available right now put the number of single dad homes at about 10% of all homes with children or about one third of single parent homes.
5. Dads win custody cases.
6. The courts are biased against dads: But only biased! The courts are not stupid. The courts really believe in the best interests of the child. That may be hard to define, but it is their goal. The courts look with added favor on the person who does the caretaking in the family: "Who takes the kids to the dentist?" "Who makes the doctor's appointment?" "Who plans the birthday party? Who executes it?" The idea is: Who is doing the day to day work to see to the welfare of the children?

Please, before you leave: Think of the children.

If you have left:

1. Get yourself some help from one of the few groups that do help battered men.
2. Interview potential counselors before paying a fee. Too many in the counseling profession are man haters of the most nasty sort. Ask questions before paying.
3. Get involved with those working to achieve fairness and justice in parenting matters. Everyone's opinion counts. Every child needs BOTH parents.
4. Hold her responsible for her actions. We men too often forget this. Women MUST be liable for their actions in the same way as men have been held liable for ours.
5. Ensure that she fulfills her part of the bargain. Don't let her win.
6. Talk to your kids! Tell them you love them. Listen to them. Do everything in your power to be a good father.
7. If you cannot see your kids: Write to them several times a week and keep a copy of what you write. Later in life those children will try to contact you. Those copies will form the basis of a new adult relationship.

How do I stop abusing?

Calming Down

It's not easy for a parent to hold their temper at times. But, this must be controlled with a child; remember who is the adult and who is the child and set the example. The result of anger is sometimes abuse, so calm down. If you think you might "Lose it," take a five minute breather and walk away; tell the child that you will discuss the problem later. When you return, look at the problem openly, come up with a solution, and both parent and child will be far happier.

How do I stop abusing?

Taking Responsibility

Abusers make life hard on all family members, including themselves.
If you feel you are abusing your power, please make an appointment with a qualified counselor. Admitting there is a problem is the first step towards solving it. Talking about the problem is the second step. The third, and hardest step, is to take responsibility for your actions and your actions only. Never place responsibility for what you do on another person. All people have the power to choose their own actions.

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John Valadez