Correcting Children’s Behavior

This entry was written on Aug 27, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

If you're placing a child in a timeout over three or four times a day consider addressing behavior in a different way. Have your child sit down in a quiet place in the room and kneel down to their eye level. This brings a feeling of equality, respect and seriousness. You might even see your child sit up straight or pay close attention – that’s good. If your child hasn’t sat up straight then ask them too and do not continue until they do. It’s very important they understand the seriousness of the conversation.

Ask them do they know why they were in time out to begin with, even if you asked them before.
Ensure they say why. Do not move on until they understand. After they acknowledge their wrong doing then ask them why. I’m sure you’ll get a plethora of excuses; I know I have some real side-splitters. If they know why, or you had to explain why; ask them if they like being in timeout and usually children will say no. If by chance they say yes, and your children will get that “age”; simply tell them, “O.k. if you continue this behavior, you will continue to go in timeout; that is your choice”. After that they usually wise up; but if they don’t, we have to begin taking other privileges away – sports, video games or anything they really value.
After they say “no” to losing some kind of privilege explain to them about the choices they made that ended in a timeout. At the end ask if they feel they made a good choice. You’ll usually get a no. Explaining choices to our children teaches them self-discipline, independence and self-reliance; all valuable assets as they grow into our world, and eventually, their choices will lead to great accomplishments.

Discipline bad behaviour

Bad behaviour in your child requires discipline - not punishment. Although sometimes the discipline may be seen as a form of punishment, discipline is more focused on teaching the child what they have done wrong rather then just making them feel bad about their actions (punishment). Discipline requires sending the child to their room for "time out" for a couple of minutes, or temporarily taking something away from them (a toy or lolly) until they have improved their behaviour, or denying them a treat, i.e. "We won’t go to play at the park until you stop...". Discipline also requires you to remove your emotions from the situation as, often, the punishment given is purely our emotional reaction to the situation (yelling at the child or spanking them).

Teaching responsibility

This entry was written on Jun 11, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

Responsibility is learned and does not develop with age. Children need to be taught what it means to be responsible. It is true some kids will take to responsibility more than others; but that shouldn’t stop you from teaching them, as we grow in age, our responsibilities grow as well. After all, one day they will be responsible for themselves and others as well.

Start off with something as simple as putting on their seatbelt or washing their hands. This can be started from as early as two years old. Children have a natural instinct to fend for themselves and it is up to the parents to regulate how much responsibility a child can take on.
My kids want to drive but, I’ve seen them play Mariocart and I’m not impressed.
When children ask for more responsibility let them have it; guide your kids in their new responsibilities. If they are old enough to get themselves dressed or clean up a messy room or take the initiative in assisting other siblings, then try letting them take care of something else. Adopt a pet, if the child wants one, and make them primarily responsible for the pets’ well-being. Rescuing an animal and taking care of them is a rewarding experience for anyone – especially a child. Some children are natural caregivers and others take time so only you can make the determination if a child is ready for that responsibility.
Whatever direction you try, just take one and prepare your child for life on their own.

Discipline tools

Avoid smacking or yelling at your children. Use discipline tools such as timeout (sending the child to their room for a couple of minutes) or taking away toys (but not their security blanket type toys). When applied consistently, these methods give a very clear message on the consequences for misbehaving without damaging the child’s confidence.

The time-out pillow

This entry was written on May 15, 2009 by our Dad Guru John Valadez

Unless you have been under a rock for the last decade you heard of the time-out. A time-out is an effective way to discipline your child and you can start them on this program as early as 18 months. Try using a pillow or mat in a designated area for consistency. The pillow acts as a marker and is a consistent place they can go to when you tell them - “go in a timeout”. When your child is misbehaving tell them they are going to go in a time-out if the behavior persists; and if they continue escort them to the area and instruct them to sit down. If you keep the pillow in the same place they will go there when you ask them too in the future. The time they spend on the pillow is the age of the child; e.g. two years old, two minutes on the pillow and three years old, three minutes on the pillow.
Be consistent with a clear warning acknowledging the behavior and if the misbehaving persists, then follow through on the pillow for the age appropriate time. If you’re out of the house just let them know when you get home they have to go into a time-out; and as long as you follow through with the promise, then you’ll get consistent results in and out of the home.

Apply the rules every time

Are the children not behaving or following your requests? Perhaps you are not being consistent in enforcement. Stick to the rules that you have set for your children or they learn, very quickly, that you don’t mean what you say. They will then try to circumvent the system every opportunity that they get.

Be disciplined

Be disciplined with your kids. Don’t be soft with them. Give them the right message about being in control and having confidence in your self and your abilities. However, avoid being too firm or arrogant. Discipline means being firm but fair. It also includes allowing yourself to be playful (child-like) but not childish, to be organised but not too organising, to be in control but not controlling, to be the leader but not the dictator. Show your kids strength and backbone, not arrogance and power.

Calming your emotions

If you find yourself over-reacting to your child, step away from the situation and count to ten. Do this by slowly breathing in and softly counting a number on each breath out. By the time you reach ten, you will have calmed your emotions. You can then return to deal with the situation more reasonably and effectively.

Separate discipline and empathy

People are more important then the silly things that they do. If your child hurts themselves doing something silly, separate your discipline about the incident from your empathy for the pain. Show your child that you care and love them despite what they have done. However, be careful not to overdo sympathy or the child may link the silly action with the sympathy and do silly things in future just to get sympathy. The order is to be sympathetic first and then discipline second, but don’t leave the discipline too long after the incident or the child may not make the connection between the two.

Crying toddlers and children

If you have trouble getting your toddler or young child to go to sleep of a night, try this method: Gently but sternly (no yelling) settle them down; spend only a couple of minutes doing this. Then, quietly and without fuss, leave the room telling your child that you will be back in a few minutes. Wait 2 minutes and return, repeating the same settling and leaving routine. Wait 4 minutes and repeat. Keep doubling the wait time. You may find this doesn’t work for a night or two, but soon the child will respond and settle more quickly; they’ll enjoy Dad’s ’tuck-in’.

Spank?

Experts now advise against spanking.
Spanking is legal in most jurisdications and I won’t say it is always wrong. However, few people have enough knowledge of child psychology to understand the whens & whys of corporal punishment. So, for punishment it is best to skip the spanking and go for the time out.